The Ruler Show!
by Xylia Greene
Summary: If you don't remember The Pencil Show, GO READ IT! It's 75 episodes and has finally come to an end. Of course, now I get to do a spinoff of it and make it for HP fans, but hey, it's still one of those things you sob miserably over.


Xylia: Welcome to The Ruler Show! I am Xylia, your hostess, and *squints* My name is Xylia? What the hell? Who's writing this?!  
  
Writer: *Screaming from offstage* HEY! YOU TRY TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING CLEVER TO SAY!  
  
Xylia: ... Wow. This show has already gone to hell and we haven't even played the theme music yet. ANYWAY, we can compensate because our first guest is Sirius Black.  
  
Sirius: *Dragged in* Erm... what am I doing here?  
  
Xylia: Well, I guess so that it explains nicely to you, this is what's behind the veil. Hey, and you wonder why Remus tried to stop Harry from going in?  
  
Sirius: Ah. So, this is hell then?  
  
Xylia: No. Worse. MUCH worse.  
  
Sirius: O.o;; *scared*  
  
Xylia: ANYWAY, our first task is to measure your fingers. *Whips out HANDY DANDY RULER OF FISH!*  
  
Sirius: Erm... what?  
  
Xylia: Go like this, *Makes an L and another L, flips one over, and touches right thumb to left index finger*  
  
Sirius: *Does so*  
  
Xylia: *Measures in between* Ten and a half; not bad.  
  
Sirius: ...What was that for?  
  
Xylia: Can't tell you.  
  
Sirius: And... why am I here again?  
  
Xylia: Because I want to reveal your innermost secrets to the world?  
  
Sirius: Eh. Good enough.  
  
CL: *Flies in on a hang glider* *Lands* Sorry I'm late!! *Hang glider randomly disappears*  
  
Sirius: Who're you?  
  
CL: The Co-host!  
  
Sirius: Erm... that explains it.  
  
Xylia: You missed the measuring. Ten and a half. Anyway, we need to get the question asking done.  
  
CL: Yes.  
  
Xylia: Our first question is from Mala.  
  
Mala: SIRI! *glomp* YOU ARE MY... um... YOU ARE MY GRANDSON-IN-LAW. *gives cookies*  
  
CL: That's not a question.  
  
Xylia: FINE. THEN OUR FIRST QUESTION IS FROM SHELTI.  
  
Sirius: Wait, what? O.o;;  
  
Xylia: Yeah. Keep up with me. You're also my uncle, son-in-law, and great grandpa at the same time.  
  
CL: Making you my great uncle, brother-in-law, and great-great-grandpa at the same time and probably more, even.  
  
Sirius: O_o  
  
Xylia: ANYWAY. SHELTI'S QUESTION.  
  
Shelti: Did you ever make sandwiches with Remus? Big sandwiches with lots of mayonnaise?  
  
Sirius: Yes, actually. We snuck into the kitchen to make sandwiches. They were really big and really tasty. Took us about an hour to make. And there was lots of mayonnaise and pickles.  
  
Xylia: I don't think he gets it.  
  
CL: Well, don't explain it to him.  
  
Sirius: What? I like sandwiches. And pickles. And mayonnaise. Especially Remus's mayonnaise. He makes special mayonnaise.  
  
Xylia: O.o  
  


* * *

  
CL: *Cracking up*  
  
Sirius: ... I like sandwiches. Harrumph.  
  
Xylia: Do you ever regret that you're dead?  
  
Sirius: Well, duh. I like living. But as for how I died; that's the way I go.  
  
Xylia: Now you're sounding like Edward Bloom from Big Fish.  
  
CL: BIG FISH. *_* I LOVE THAT MOVIE.  
  
Sirius: Can I... go now?  
  
Xylia: ...No.  
  
CL: Koushy Asks: Have you ever eaten Cheese Monkeys?  
  
Sirius: Erm... what?  
  
Xylia: Cheese monkeys.  
  
Sirius: Erm... no?  
  
CL: Well then, Koushy asks: Have they ever eaten you?  
  
Sirius: No...?  
  
CL: THEN Koushy Asks: Then why do you smell like cheese?  
  
Sirius: Because... Because... OKAY! I ATE THE CHEESE MONKEYS!  
  
CL: Oh, then Koushy says: You're a sicko!  
  
Sirius: Ah, okay.  
  
CL: Did you know you're being played by a dude named Gary Oldman and that he's really, really, REALLY ugly?  
  
Sirius: I'm... cast as a role? On what?  
  
Xylia: The movie "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban."  
  
Sirius: OOH. I KNOW SOMEONE THAT HAD TO GO TO AZKABAN.  
  
CL: ...It's about you, idiot.  
  
Sirius: ...I knew that.  
  
Xylia: So I guess you didn't know anything about Gary Oldman?  
  
Sirius: No.  
  
Xylia: *Shows picture of Gary Oldman*  
  
Sirius: WOW. HE'S HOT.  
  
CL: *Looks at the picture* Wrong one.  
  
Xylia: *Looks* Oops, that's Koushy. *Takes the picture and stuffs it in pocket* *Takes out the right picture*  
  
Sirius: ...BLASPHEMY!  
  
CL: Yeah, I know. Isn't it just?  
  
Xylia: So... erm... is that all the questions we got?  
  
CL: I think so.  
  
Xylia: That's not good.  
  
Sirius: YES. YES IT IS. CAN I GO NOW?  
  
Xylia: ...No.  
  
Sirius: ...Damn.  
  
CL: How was it being trapped in the white room reading badfics?*  
  
Sirius: You knew about that?  
  
Xylia: Yeah... you're slow on times.  
  
CL: ANSWER THE QUESTION.  
  
Sirius: It was HORRBIBLE.  
  
Xylia: The bible's a whore?  
  
Sirius: I MEANT HORRIBLE.  
  
CL: Oh. That makes sense.  
  
Xylia: Well then, I guess that's all for this episode. How dull.  
  
CL: Wait, did we ever play the theme music?  
  
Xylia: I guess not. *Shrugs*  
  
Sirius: DO I GET TO GO NOW?  
  
Xylia: Sure.  
  
Sirius: I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY IN MY LIFE. *Leaves*  
  
*Stolen from AVUI by Hika.  
  
A/N: Eh. Not my best. Hopefully I'll do better next time. And I'll have more questions. Hopefully. 


End file.
